It appears or so it seems that there must be a relationship problem in every relationship. This is one aspect in relationship that very many people pray they will never experience. But be sure and understand that the only place where relationship problems will not occur is a place where there is no relationship at all. No matter how small or casual a relationship looks like, there are problems associated with it. The earlier you learn this truth the more prepared you would be when these problems arise. Most times while we find it difficult to get along again with our partner after having a relationship problem is because often than not we don’t prepare for them before they come. Actually nobody ever wishes to experience any problem in his or her relationship but we can never no matter how we try run away from relationship problems. While I want this stuck in your head is for you to understand that it is not a strange thing for you to be passing through this kind of relationship problems. Have you heard of the saying that says that “what goes for the duck is also good for the geese” meaning that somebody somewhere is also having a serious challenge in his or her own relationship. You see, you are not alone on this side of the ship. Yes there are some persons whose relationship problems are more terrible than the one you might be thinking that you have. So my dear relationship problems are actually one of the features of relationship. Though you are free to pray not to have these problems at all but my candid advice is that you should create a room for it in your heart. i don’t mean you should harbour or create problems for yourself, but to know what to do when it eventually comes. This will enhance you with the utmost wisdom you will need to handle the situation maturely. Don’t worry, no matter what it is, it will soon wear out like the snow when the sun smiles.

CAUSES OF RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
Now, having understood that relationship problems are part of the ways of a relationship. Let’s now look at reasons why a relationship would always have challenges. There are lots of relationship problems scattered all over the world. So it will be very difficult trying to enumerate all the relationship problems and what causes them. But I will try and see how best you will be helped in discovering those things you must have neglected that are trying to cost you your relationship. It is until you discover the cause of your problem you may not exactly know how to handle them.

There is another fact I would want to make you understand. Sometimes when people start having problem in their relationship, they more often than not exonerate themselves from being the cause of the relationship problem, they only see a greater percentage of the problem in the other person. Let me share with you some pivot reasons why most relationship have problems. Perhaps you would have a deeper understanding of your situation.

LACK OF UNDERSTANDING
This is one of the millions and billions of reasons while people are having relationship problems. Before you can walk or work with anybody, there must be a sense of understanding. Because you have refused to understand your partner, wife children, parent, siblings, friends, etc. that is why it looks as if the issue you are having now would not be resolved. What does it mean to understand? It means that both of you or all of you that are involved in the relationship are seeing things from different angles. When you say cheese and your partner says nuts, I don’t think that there is any agreement at all. If you look critically into the relationship problems you are having now, you will discover that you are lacking understanding or rather you are refusing to understand and agree about some matters with your partner. Most times when you disagree, you will hardly see your own mistakes that contributed to your relationship problem, all that your eyes will be opened to is the faults and problems caused by your partner or spouse. It is also the same in his or her own side.

TOLERANCE
Tolerance simply means being able accommodate, being able to condone no matter what. Are you so disciplined that you don’t take shit from anybody? Are you so careful that you don’t want to accommodate any weakling in your life or business? How about your idiosyncrasy? Maybe you are a perfectionist at several points? These are some of the things that can engineer lack of tolerance in your relationship and where there is no tolerance there must be a lot relationship problems. It is as simple as that, when there is no tolerance, relationship problems settle as fast as they could. This issue of lack of tolerance has shipwrecked and sunk a lot of relationships. I do hope dear that you will not have to tell stories about that. How do you handle it you asked? Don’t worry we shall deal with it shortly but let’s look at another point that causes relationship problems.

EVIL COMPANY
Show me your friend and I will tell you exactly who you are and what you are capable of. Sixty percent of relationship problems encountered today are caused by wrong and evil advices gotten from friends. Do you want to solve your relationship problems? Then check out who are your best pals and how they have influenced your life. If you have not considered them worthwhile, I strongly suggest that you run away from them; especially those that will always advice you on how not to reconcile with your partner, those that will want the relationship problem that you are having to linger more than it is supposed to be. Do you read the bible? Then look at 1st Corinthians 15:32. It reports that evil company corrupts good manner. Be wise dear!

LACK OF MONEY
Once, a teenage girl said, “How can a relationship be sweet when there is no money.” Money of course brings a lot of good moments into a relationship, in the house, family, company, etc. but that does not mean that it is what matters most. Maybe you are the type that cannot endure hardship. Probably because there is no more money, you are now causing lots of problems between you and your spouse, parents, friends, etc. this is tragic! Some wives divorced their husbands because he is no longer bringing much money to the house again, I am pretty sure that you are not among that category. If you are then there is an urgent need for you to retrace your steps now. Let us try and see how we are going to handle these issues.

HANDLING YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
I am going to briefly look at these points that I raised above so that we can start from there. If you want to be free from any relationship problems, then you must know how to be a man of understanding. Don’t always be the right person but consider your partner in every and any matter or issue. Now let me tell you what happens when you misunderstand, you seem to exaggerate and compound your partner’s blunder with respect to what is causing the relationship problem. You can hardly see your flaws and mistakes; all blames will be channeled to him or her.

For you to understand you must be able to listen and be patient with him or her. You must learn to appreciate his or her input in the relationship and also encourage him even when it seems that his best does not satisfy you. Always remember that it takes two to agree, so when you don’t agree there may never be a remedy for your relationship problem.

You must learn how to accommodate his or her weaknesses, some men are very fond of pointing out other persons mistakes rather than their strength, this will only generate strife and compound your relationship problem. No man is perfect including you. There were times people tolerated your own flaws and mistakes and they accommodated you, they did not quarantine you nor raised dust over your head. Make room for your spouse mistakes; discipline yourself as to condone his or her weakness until the desired change is seen. This will make you to facilitate the help you give to him and you will never find yourself in a position of capitalizing on his or her mistakes to make relationship problems where they don’t really exist.

Be careful about the company you keep. Be watchful over those you can proudly present as your friends. They, to a large extent determine your actions and your decisions. Have you realized that some characters are contagious? Maybe you are not keeping late nights but now you enjoy it. Was not a suggestion from a pal or a life style of one of your good pals? Quit evil company and communication and deal with your relationship problems so as to enjoy your relationship.

Do you have money please don’t squander it, spend it wisely. But if you don’t have, please do not go stealing. Be patient and work hard money will still come. Do not base the happiness of your relationship on money so that its absence will not cause any relationship problems. Both or all of you should put your heads and hands together and then sooner than you are expecting it, money woul

Does this person help me get over my last relationship that didn’t end well?
Do I enjoy spending time with this person?
Can this person provide me with what I require in a relationship? Is this person Mr./Ms. Right for me?
Can this person and I make our relationship work?
Do we as a couple help each other grow and develop (i.e., change) over time?
Sounds innocuous enough, right? Who wouldn’t want to know this about a new partner? Would you believe that violating the order in which you answer these questions can sabotage any hope of having a healthy, long-term relationship? Here’s why:
Sequence Matters! – The Five Foundation Relationships1

For your next relationship to succeed in the long term, it must go through several separate, sequential, and identifiable relationships. Skipping any one can derail your future happiness.

The five foundation relationships are: (1) Transition Relationship, (2) Recreational Relationship, (3) Pre-committed Relationship, (4) Committed Relationship, and (5) Marital Relationship. Skip or short-change one at your own peril.

Each of the five foundation relationships can be considered a separate relationship having a unique purpose and a specific underlying question that defines each stage, the answer to which will determine whether the relationship will move on the next stage of development or not. Done right, this is a marathon, not a sprint, and they must be done in sequence.

1. The Transition Relationship: Have I Removed My Ex from My Mind?

The first of these foundation relationships is the Transition Relationship.

This is a relationship you enter into either before your committed relationship ends in divorce, or shortly thereafter, for the purpose of easing the process of getting uncoupled. Its goal is to facilitate the uncoupling from your previous partner and re-experience validation.

The focus is on you as an individual and the driving question motivating this relationship is: “Can he/she help me get over my ex?”

You feel validated and hopeful for the first time in a long time. However, the good feelings can lead to this very common trap: you get so excited by finding someone who can give you what your ex could not or would not, that you conclude, “At long last I have finally found my soul mate!” No you haven’t. Not yet. You have only realized you can be hopeful that life without your ex can be enjoyable.

Some folks may already be uncoupled without any emotional baggage attached to their ex. They can move directly to the Recreational phase. However, others will use a transitional relationship to ease the breakup.

2. The Recreational Relationship: Does My Heart Soar When We’re Together?

The second foundation relationship we must master is the Recreational Relationship.

The purpose of the recreational relationship is to enjoy yourself and re-establish a sense of confidence and validation that are almost always lost in the divorce process. The goal is to have fun, feel good about yourself again, and re-establish your self-confidence in your social and dating skills.

The focus is on you as an individual and the driving question motivating this relationship is: “Do I enjoy myself when I am with him/her? Is he/she fun to be with?”

The most common trap at this stage is you feel so good when you are with your partner that you commit the cardinal sin of believing what our culture tells us when it says, “Follow your heart. If it feels good, it must be true love!” No it isn’t. Not yet. It’s just hormones and chemistry. You have only met someone you enjoy spending time with.

As a result, you will find yourself thinking about the future with your new friend and even talking to your friend about your future together. Don’t. You will not know if the two of you are a good fit for several more months at the earliest.

During the recreational phase of relationship a good rule to follow is the 6-1/6-4 Rule. This means for the first 6 months restrict your plans, thinking, and conversation topics with your partner to events 1 week in the future or less. Then for the next 6 months restrict your plans, thinking, and conversation topics with your partner to events 4 weeks in the future or less.

That is, for the first 6 months, look no further into the future than next week. And for the next six months, look no further into the future than one month. You have plenty of time to get it right. Use it. Really get to know each other.

3. The Pre-committed Relationship: My Head Must Be Heard, Too

The third foundation relationship we must master is the Pre-committed Relationship.

This one is the biggie simply because most people do not realize it exists or they think it violates the cultural dictum to “Follow your heart. You will just know if it is true love.”

In this relationship you undertake the serious intellectual work of determining if your basic requirements for a long-term relationship can be met. This stage of relationship is vitally important for long-term success and can last several months.

The purpose of the pre-committed relationship is to determine if someone is a “good fit.” This goes beyond is he/she fun to be with, and asks the crucial logical question, “Will a life with this person give me what I require in a long-term relationship?”

The focus is on you as an individual and the driving question motivating this relationship is: “Is this person Mr./Ms. Right for me? Is it possible to realize all my requirements in this relationship?”

Unless all your requirements can be met, your satisfaction with the relationship will be doomed.

4. The Committed Relationship: Pulling Together, Can We Make It Work?

The fourth foundation relationship we must master is the Committed Relationship.

At this stage in your relationship both partners believe their basic requirements can be met. The purpose of this stage is to figure out how they can make the relationship work, despite the differences and conflicts that exist in all relationships.

This is the first time the couple, working together, is given responsibility in the developing the relationship. Up until now, the issue has been up to the individuals to do the work separate and apart from their partner

The focus is on you as a couple and the driving question motivating this relationship is: “How can we make this work?”

5. The Marital Relationship: Can We Help Each Other Change and Develop?

The fifth and final foundation relationship we must master is the Marital Relationship.

Now that the relationship has matured to the point of making it public and formal, attention shifts to allowing and encouraging each partner to grow, develop, and change. People change, whether you expect them to or whether you want them to. To demand that your partner stay the same as when you met, is a guaranteed way to cause resentment, and a good bet that a broken relationship is in your future.

The purpose of this stage is to keep the relationship alive by encouraging growth and development.

The focus is on you as a couple and the driving question motivating this relationship is: “How can we help each other change and fulfill our dreams?”

So, What’s the Point?

We do not have to be a slave to pressure from our culture. There is an alternative to “listen to your heart” as a way of selecting your next committed relationship.

Treating relationship development as a process that encompasses each of the five foundation relationships snatches the control over your relationship future away from some imaginary roulette wheel in the sky and places it firmly in your grasp.

Now you can create the union you have always wanted without having to resort to myth, mystery, and luck.

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1 David Steele discusses recreational, pre-committed, committed, and marital relationships in his book: David Steele, Conscious Dating (Campbell, CA: RCN Press, 2008).

For a step-by-step program that guides you through the issues of forming new long-term, committed relationships in the life-after-divorce transition process, go to https://smoothdivorcerecovery.com/3482-2/ ‎

A more complete explanation of these five foundation relationships can be found in my blog at Smooth Divorce Recovery.

For an assessment of your current Divorce Recovery Stress Level, visit https://smoothdivorcerecovery.com/product/divorce-recovery-stress-inventory/

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